I used to get excited by the next book I'd get my clammy hands on.

who I'd meet. what journey they'd take me on. I used to marvel at the worlds that authors could create, be it small or big, realistic or roald dahl. I could get lost in them, not knowing how much time has passed but accepting the time lines I was in. I would gain respect for the writer, not knowing a single fact about them except that their imagination sparked my own. and I would aww and ooh at the paths it took me on.

I guess it's also amazing the power story books have. That no matter how ridiculous or out of this world it is - we accept it. that this is the norm in the world that has been formed and built and expanded. from just an idea. Maybe I could've dreamt to be a writer. but alas, my lack of patience and conviction would have scrunched up every fragment of a story I concocted and thrown it into my recycle bin of doubts and not-good-enoughs.

that takes me to where I am now.

holding onto that teenage side of me, satisfied with just a comfortable corner and a thick set of pages. not needing to watch hours upon hours of endless videos that are literally wasting my time. I always say to myself, oh if only I had more time, then I'd pick up reading again. finish that book I started one and a half years ago. oh if only I had that luxury.

yet when I do - I don't.

and I think it's because I'm too lazy to wipe off the dust and put my mind and imagination back into gear. which is sad. even to me. so here's to fewer days spent with a piece of metal overheating on my lap and more to days when my arms ache from holding up a book too long.

what am i following.

i recently discovered this again and it was .. interesting seeing how the things that were important to me years ago, seem trivial now. with a bigger perspective. and i think that's how it is with a lot of things in my life, i wallow in bad times or moments and i can't seem to see beyond the four walls i've created myself. but God is constantly there, just needing me to look up and see that my whole world, my whole life. is and was always, in His hands.

i should be studying right now. but my mind's been wandering all night, perhaps for the past few days. so i think this will be good. to spill , blurt, empty my mind. each day seems to pass so quickly, time is always running ahead of us. slipping through our hands made of fractured glass. we worry about our future, about tomorrow even. yet

"who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?" Matt 6:27

i hate that feeling when worries and anxiety get the best of me. so i pray that every time im scared, i worry, i forget that there's someone bigger, more powerful than I in control , that there are more important things in life than the issues i face,  that God will remind me of this truth again. to humble me, turn me back around and find rest in Him.

i pray i can follow Christ, every day of my life.
that he'll never let go even when i fight, push and want to run away.

when you're tired. look out and above and around. 

saying things because i should.
treating people like i'm better .
yer, you don't have the right to judge but neither do i.

you see me in your head and a complete stranger to me appears.
yer i've seen her along the street somewhere
admist the crowds . a vague presence

what's His plan for me? . life's just gonna get a whole lot harder aint it ?
 mm .

just gotta look out for those moments i guess. the ones you hang onto until your memory refuses to keep them.
despite your somewhat weak pleas . look out for them or they might just pass you and you'll feel .


like a screw up all over again .

funny aye? . the way things turn out . in . all the way round.
mm, keep your eyes open .

those ego images we have of ourselves may blind you .

you know this don't feel right . who knows this could feel right .

far out , exams are back again .
and im trying to find every possible distraction there is  , fantastic : )

sigh, its weird though . cos people have been saying 'ohh , year 11's over!' and yet we still have a whole week + exams left,  haha i was on the phone with a friend and we were talking about uni/future plans and why life is so difficult and basically --  just getting depressed 

lolol . and our lives aren't even bad compared to particular others . "blame it on society"

but i think uni isn't going to live up to the expectations all us high schoolers have built for it . it's probably going to disappoint us and then we'll miss high school and the 'simpler days' . but i guess we're never grateful for what we have until we lose it , which is why we hate high school :)  and in particular , right at this moment , i hate modernism and essays and 'sophisticated words that try and make you sound smarter but really you don't really even know what they mean'    mm , fun .

could i stay  , right here , right now . ?

i don't want to ask for much .
just that the moment would pause , freeze , linger .
where i'm not stressed , anxious , sad , annoyed , tired

or all of the above .

i could break the clock and stop its hands , but that wouldn't make a difference would it ?


 haha i've always wanted to write lyrics for a living :) maybe someday the words above. that've come off the top of my head, will come out of a strangers headphones :) haha or maybe not .

went to rice rally last night :) i've been going every year for atleastt .. 4 years? at the end of every event i'm always hyped up and can't wait for the coming year's , but i dunno . i didn't get to feel that this year . but then again, rice is mainly about evangelism and soo many youth were reached last night which is extremely encouraging :) God does wonders in the hands of so little <3